The hardest part of abuse as a child was being told to shut up. There were things that were tougher at the moment to deal with, sure. This was the hardest thing to deal with because it created roots that were long lasting. Deep roots take lots of work later to pull up what was planted in the heart years prior. Sort of like an overgrown, neglected garden bed. Being told to shut up was my personal sign to isolate myself and begin the process of wearing a mask in front of everyone. That is the reason I say it was the hardest part of abuse. More than the verbal, physical, or emotional strain. The mental anguish of cutting your soul off from others is the hardest thing to imagine if you have never experienced this.

In the beginning, God created. HE made everything. The Creator designed a place that was full of life and wonder. Then God made man. God placed man in HIS creation and named him Adam. Adam was given the job to take care of the garden of Eden. A place created by God where they had regularly had opportunity to talk and commune. Eve was created to be the co-equal human for Adam to have fellowship with. God saw it as “not good” for Adam to be alone. Adam wasn’t alone due to God’s presence but he had nobody that was just like him. It was God, the animals, and creation up to that point. Not isolation but still Adam was one of a kind. Imagine being the single ONLY human being! We cannot do truly do it. Even the science fiction movies cannot really do justice because it is normally a post destruction setting. One where humans once existed. Adam was human #1. None prior or according to scripture, alone for a season until Eve.

Adam was isolated from humanity as the only human. Proverbs 18:1 says: “A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgement.” Maybe Solomon was aware of things only The LORD knew and shared. Maybe this is the reason The LORD said: “It is not good for man to be alone.” HE created Eve and then after HE woke Adam up, introduced them to each other. I believe this is where the original “love at first sight” was developed. Now, there is someone I can relate to! That must have been to initial thought of Adam. God placed them together and then had them recreate more humans; an ordained natural law for us. Adam was no longer isolated. He was now with someone else. To share in experiences and commune. To share all of the human experience before God; together.

The fact that being in God’s perfect presence wasn’t “good enough” for Adam meant God had plans for us beyond being alone with God. Of course, a relationship with God alone is enough theologically. However, God had a more perfect will and plan for humanity. God wanted us to share in life. We were not created to be isolated. We are not meant to be alone. “The fall” of humanity into sin complicated matters. We are not meant to put on masks and live a false identity before God or before each other. Sin taking place is recorded in Genesis chapter 3. The word sin means “apart from.” Sin brought death because it disconnected Adam and Eve from their life giving God. It is still the same today. That is why coming to Jesus and receiving eternal life is not the “Good News,” it is essential news! Because of sin, Adam and Eve were isolated from God. Together on their own but they removed themselves from God’s perfect all surrounding relationship. Isolation created a major problem for us humans although not a major problem for God himself.

I was about 5 years old. I was tired of my father’s abusive “talks” with my mom. Especially in front of me and my siblings. I often would interrupt and correct him. It was like an anointing from God. I would speak truth and shut him down. He had no comeback to truth. The only comeback was to tell me to shut up or face punishment. After many of these battles, one day on the way home, he spoke a massive amount of things that shut me down for good. I chose that day to quit talking and trying to correct and help them. I remember vividly that afternoon riding home in the middle back seat of the car. I said within myself “I quit. I am not saying anything else. I know the truth but it is not helping and I just quit.” I literally out loud said “I am not going to talk to you again, do what you want but I have nothing to say from now on.” From that day forward two things happened: One, I put up a wall against my dad and never really built a relationship with him ever again. Secondly, I began to put on a mask and hide my true self. I chose to isolate from all people. The only interaction was going to be social coping skills, social norms, the art of sarcasm, but all were completely scripted to keep my broken soul wrapped up from getting hurt by anyone ever again.

Isolation leads to your own desires and raging against good judgement. This sounds like the victim is also the villain. Often this is why Stockholm syndrome and other dysfunctional behaviors and mental issues come into play. The fact is the scripture is true regardless of initial thought or emotional response. Here is why: Isolation from abuse is a coping and survival mechanism. It is a CHOICE. Not a good choice but still a choice. It is sometimes the only thing a 5 year old has as a tool. Sadly, its a poor tool. Even more sad is that predators and evil tend to fight with weaker and unlearned people like innocent children. The devil never ever fights a fair battle. Isolation was my choice because it was what I saw from other weaker unprepared people. It was natural in response and I didn’t have help or counsel to develop other skills. It led to a life of seeking my own desires. First it was to keep my heart and soul from being abused. It lead to pleasing myself in time. Being blinded from the gift and grace of love and vulnerability, I wanted only to win. I didn’t was the risk of loss therefore I sought my own desires to be fulfilled. I became selfish as I matured. I built my own life and kingdom; out of ignorance and pain! All from the initial desire to isolate because it was my only tool in the bag. The good thing was I met the Carpenter of the soul! I would not stay isolated my whole life as long as I would answer his call. He tried to get me to listen to him so many times and I rejected him over and over until one day at 29 years old. Jesus was my last try at life and last hope. So I prayed. I opened my true self up in prayer and it was awkward, childish feeling, and honestly I felt so silly. I even said “God I feel like I am talking to air and it seems so weird but if you’re real show me who you are and who I am.” Breaking the isolation for the first time in 24 years was the beginning of the supernatural restoration we ALL are afforded by Jesus if we will simply open up!

Proverbs 18:2 says ” A fool has no delight in understanding. But in expressing his own heart.” I was totally interested in pleasing myself and had delight in knowledge. Zero interest in understanding. I had tons of interest in expressing my own heart and demented selfish desires. I was fine dancing drunk like a crazy man. I was totally good expressing myself while under the influence of drugs. I was fine expressing what I wanted when the mask was thick on my soul. I was not ok expressing the pain, the hurt, the true emptiness inside. I was not ok opening up those horrid memories I was running from. I didn’t want to understand my dad’s own trouble nor my moms. I wasn’t interested in understanding how a great and perfect God could let a 5 year old and his siblings live in darkness and pain. How could God be favoring us; physically the smallest, weakest looking, most defenseless kids. How in God’s name could this be for our good or be good or even be ok? I had zero understanding. I expressed my heart for sure. By my late teen years my heart was dark and wicked. Was I a victim? Absolutely! Did I internally know better? Yes to a degree. I had opportunities from God to reach out and was called by God. I never had to courage to take those opportunities. So at some point I was fully complicit in my sins. Isolation became my handcuffs in the spiritual prison. The devil was the corrupt sheriff. I was the not only the criminal but laborer who build the jail cell brick by brick. The corrupt towns people encouraged me to build and the good folks who tried to help me were not ones I’d listen to for more than 5 seconds before telling myself not to let them in. My expressions from within and lack of understanding led to a foolish life.

The Just Judge is Jesus Christ. Thank God the judge is who determines who is in jail or not. The sheriffs, police, ect only enforce law. The judge interprets and sets the consequences. A judge can set you free with a word. Just one signature, just one word, just one thought from the judge and a convict is now innocent or at the least set free! This is what happens when Jesus Christ saves you! Jesus sets aside the law because HE paid the price of The Law for you and me!! When I was set free I was no longer isolated from God. By extension I was no longer isolated from others. I have had to learn how to connect, reconnect, set appropriate boundaries, learn to accept others in sin or pain or dysfunction. I have learned how to relate to my children, my wife, family, other Christians, other non-Christians. I have over time learned and am learning to be ok being vulnerable and comfortable being me. No mask, no security blanket for my soul except Jesus. The Holy Ghost is enough security to carry inside. I can be me! I am different and scripture tells me that for the first time in my life, being different is just fine! Being different is not weird, it is normal. Don’t get me wrong. Holiness is essential. You cannot meet Jesus and stay different in sin. I am not telling you to clean up to meet Jesus. I am not telling you that meeting Jesus one time makes you a flawless human either. Its called grace. Jesus loves us so much that he asks us to come to him AS WE ARE! When and only when, we truly desire to follow Jesus and do what he says, are we going to begin to change and desire a better way. Still different and unique but holy and peculiar. Accepted but a work in progress. In God’s eyes we are perfect because HE sees you through blood stained vision of the life of Jesus. As humans we see ourselves as imperfect because we are living now trying to be more like Jesus on the other side of the blood looking at a perfect God! Grace says this relationship is perfect! We don’t work to get the approval of God. We get the approval of God and now respond by working to be more like how he created Adam to be originally -in perfect harmony with God, creation, and others.

Don’t isolate anymore. If you do not know where to turn, turn to Jesus. It doesn’t have to start with reading the Bible. It starts with a true sincere prayer. A deep desire in your soul, alone because you’re already in isolation. Maybe it is at a church or with a friend. But you’re still alone in the sense that you are broken, been hurt, abused, been the abuser, feel guilty, ect. You are alone because we are all born into sin. Sin is that separation, remember? Break the mask you have over your soul. Break it and reach out to Jesus in prayer. Not words of another person or church leader. YOU PRAY, you pray for yourself to God. You speak and open up to Jesus. When you do, God will answer. Yes, you can only come to God once HE calls you. But if you’re reaching, you feel the spiritual tug at your soul. That is Jesus calling you in this moment. You reach back out and answer that call and you will break the dangerous hold of isolation. It is true and I know so because I have done it. I have lived both sides. It is easy to argue from one side out of ignorance. It is impossible to lose an argument after living both sides and knowing the truth. Find a place today and break the isolation. In due time, you will not only follow Jesus but live the life you were created for. The whole experience of a human is meant to be fullness and you cannot and will not find fullness until you come out of isolation.